So, I figure its about time to start up the reviews on here. And what better way to take a bite out of things, to plunge in and get some blood in the water, than with Alexandre Aja’s Piranha 3D, released this weekend.
Before we sink our teeth in, I’ll address the whole 3D issue. This movie was post converted to 3D, meaning it was shot on regular cameras, not the 3D ones pioneered by James Cameron’s Avatar last year. Some people have a problem with that; they say the quality of the effect goes to shit with this method as it were. As one of the only people on the planet not to have seen Avatar (or any other movie in “true 3D” for that matter) I won’t comment on that distinction.
I will say that I don’t like 3D. I don’t like wearing the glasses, I don’t like paying more to see a movie and I don’t like the way it makes filmmakers insert cheesy, unnecessary moments just to showcase the medium. In other words, I wish the whole craze would die already.
But it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen and Piranha wasn’t playing in any regular (or as advertisers somewhat snobbishly label them, 2D) theatres in my city, so I was stuck. I guess Piranha made use of the technology interestingly in a few sequences, but I feel like it could have just as easily gone without the gimmick. Either way, the 3D didn’t take away from the film in any real way but didn’t really add anything either.
Talk of 3D aside, let’s sink our teeth into the film itself. Aja has never been one not to go there. Or, to hold back the gore for that matter. Some of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen have been in scenes from his movies.
A deranged man blowing himself with a severed head in High Tension. A mutant hillbilly violently raping a young woman while a gun is held to the face of her infant niece in The Hills Have Eyes remake. A woman’s reflection reaching into her/their mouth and slowly, agonizingly proceeding to tear her/their jaw from her/their face in Mirrors.
Aja lives up to his reputation with this summer’s Piranha 3D. There were several moments were I was genuinely shocked by the gore that flashed across the screen. I won’t spoil any of those moments, but the shore scene in which a host of those hungry, prehistoric piranhas descend on a bunch of spring break revelers will surely go down in horror movie history. I won't explain it here, but "They took my penis!" does mean something. You'll just have to watch to find out.
Also, right when you think it’s over, it’s really not. The most shocking moment of the whole film for me definitely came after the poor bitten, torn apart kids were making their way out of the water. Gross stuff.
And one thing this movie does well is make you feel bad for its characters. Granted, they are all pretty one dimensional, but I wasn’t expecting much more from a remake of a 1978 B-movie that itself was meant as a parody of Jaws. The performances are passable, and boy they had better of been, because most of the characters are really nothing more than your simple, clichéd movie fare: the tough as nails mom who has to protect her kids, the dumb but good-natured eldest child, the over the top sleazebag, the mad scientist.
The plot is pretty thin. All you have to know is that some angry ass, hungry prehistoric piranhas are out to ruin everyone’s fun. The script does try and explain how the piranhas survived for two million years before suddenly being released, but it’s all pretty ludicrous. It does allow for some humour though on the part of a fish expert/mad scientist played by Christopher Lloyd, who basically reprises his role as Doc from the Back to the Future movies and provides one of the best lines in the movie.
Spring Break is an easy enough feel to relay on screen and it feels pretty authentic here, with tan, pretty people drinking and dancing away as house music blares around them. There’s lots of boobs and booze and it all seems pretty fun, until the piranhas show up that is.
And those piranhas sure do know how to ruin a party. By the time they’re done, there’s definitely blood in the water, litres of it. I’ve already commented on the gore, but it really is worth a second mention. This film is disgusting, really disgusting. The effects are top notch. I have no idea how they pulled off some of the stuff that happens here and in a way, I don’t want to know.
The piranhas themselves are kind of cheesy if you look at them hard enough but they look good in the water and the way they rip people apart is really quite unsettling, so they work as the big bad in that respect. The water too in a way becomes an enemy and Aja does manage to make the audience feel more than a bit apprehensive whenever someone goes for a swim, especially before the piranhas really start to tear shit up. Literally, of course.
Bottom line, the movie is entertaining. It’s dumb, summer fun for the rabid gore hound. I suppose you’d have to be a little more rabid than me, because the whole endeavor left me feeling a little unclean. I'm not sure why because I enjoyed the film, but I guess I feel guilty for doing so. That doesn't usually happen to me, but I guess it says something for the film that it affected me at all. It’s definitely worth a watch.
This film gets 3.5/5 bleeding, stuck thumbs because it is what you’d expect it to be and might shock you more than you think.
Watch out for a cameo by Hostel director Eli Roth and by Richard Dreyfuss, who reprises his role from the original Jaws film. Wonder what Stephen Spielberg thinks about that!
Also, excuse all my italicized puns.
XOXO
D-Bag
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